Issues with men & church
Transforming Sermons has tag teamed with a post from last year at Cerulean Sanctum to ask why church attendence is down amongst men. They discuss the stats, the trends, and the issues that may have resulted in less men in church. Cerulean goes as far as to say the following
- It would be no stretch of the imagination to think that the average Christian man is asked to…
1. Be the primary-and optimally sole -breadwinner
2. Set aside time for marriage enrichment (planned dates, marriage enrichment classes, and couple getaways)
3. Set aside important daily growth and development time with his children (often extending to homeschooling)
4. Perform other husband-related duties at home
5. Be part of a coed Bible study or small group with his wife
6. Be part of a men’s Bible study or small group
7. Maintain a community presence by being actively involved in his local government or community affairs
8. Maintain a daily Bible reading/study time
9. Devote a meaningful amount of time to prayer and meditation
10. Volunteer at his church….
A culling of the present message of family-oriented Christian ministries from radio, TV, Christian bestselling family-oriented books, and pulpit messages will find these ideals repeatedly reinforced, often with the not-so-hidden message being, “If you do not do all these things -and do them well-you are not fulfilling your role as a Christian man.”
The above statement is dead on with what most men do experiance in church. You are either super Christian man or you are a failure as a Christian man.
Through out their posts, both Transfroming and Cerluem talk about how sermons focused on the main issue in a man’s life - his job - are lacking, and how that silence leads to men not having a lot of interest in church and church issues.
Though we agree that most churches are silent on the issue of jobs, we think that the issues men have with church goes deeper then just a lack of sermon topics in the area of jobs. Consider how men are betrayed within popular culture - they are either dumb as bricks and dependent on their wives to lead them, or they are beasts that are completely driven by their libido. The average man is suppose to work, provide, endure, love, support and then remain silent as society tells him he is not good at any of the above without the help of others, or that he is selfish if he ever speaks up for himself.
The core of the problem that churches are reaping is the result of how society in general view men. Church has become just one more place that men are told they are failures, and they get that enough in the world. In general, men do not provide enough, they do not support enough, they do not love enough, they are never satisfied, they are boy’s with larger wallet, etc. A man comes into church hurting and he leaves with even more of his shrinking ego bruised and battered. It is not that the church is meaningly kicking him, but the sheer message of the gospel - sinner saved by grace - reinforces a man’s failures.
Some do make it past this though and they begin looking to their local Men’s Bible study’s to build community and brotherhood, and for encouragement. Unfortunately, these ministries are rarely supportive of a man in transition because he is not as committed as he should be (see the list of #10 items above for examples), and they do not encourage a man that is on the outside looking in many times in positive ways. This second trend comes from the basic cliche nature of the ministry - the men of 1st such and such do XY and Z - and you are not one of us because you do not like or do XY and Z.
So, what is the answer. Well to be overly simple the answer is encouragement. Men need to be encouraged in church, from the pulpit, within Sunday school, in Bible studies, by others members, and by their families or friends. A man that attends church, even if it is not regularly, needs to be encouraged when he succeeds or is beginning to be consistent. That does not mean accepting lower morals, sin, and such, but it does mean being supportive when men make right decisions and right steps. It also means being patient as men move from a worldly focus to a Godly one. Few of us made overnight transitions, but we expect that of other believers.
Basically, the fruits of the spirit are what we are talking here.
GAL 5:22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.
In summary, church does not need to support or encourage the bad habits of a man, but it does need to support the positive steps of a man as he struggles with being a man of God. Church needs to be a place that encourages and supports a man, not just one more place he hears about his failures. The same is true of women, and children, as well.
Church should be a place where people are revived not another place that oppresses and depresses them. This does not mean not calling sin sin or not calling the sinner to repentance, but it does mean that churches need to be a encouraging and supportive haven from the world, not another place where people are crushed. Christ came to give life, and give it in abundance. A abundant life is not comprised of oppression and depression at the hands of fellow believers, and the “professional” people of God are not the sole blame for the current state of the church. All Christians are called to be supporters and encouragers of their fellow believers. If one part of the body is suffering, it all suffers, and for too long we have lived with pain within the body instead of doing something about it. Sermon’s that are more focused on issues of men only go so far, what a man really needs is a Godly support system instead of a beating in the name of God ever time he falls.
Frank, this is an excellent summation of these discussions!
It is a timely reminder to me as a Pastor to encourage my men more and to see
them become stronger in Christ!
GBYAY
Comment by
John — 4/22/2005 @ 7:32 pm
Frank, I have linked this post to Scotwise!
GBYAY
Comment by
John — 4/22/2005 @ 8:53 pm
John,
Thanks for the encouraging comment and the link. I think encouragement is probably the most overlooked portion of maturing a Christian. We have great teaching tools, great information, great facts, great everything, but we rarely encourage people to greatness themselves.
Be strong, be of great courage, encourage everyone and SERVE GOD!!!!
Frank
Comment by
Frank — 4/22/2005 @ 10:44 pm
Thank you for the link to my posts on this issue on my blog Cerulean Sanctum.
I like what you have to say here by detailing the ways in which men are setup to fail both in the “world” and in the Church. I believe that is true. In stark contrast to the Danny Thomas and Bill Cosby characters of the wise but put-out fathers of yesteryear, virtually every TV dad today is a buffoon who at the very end of the show somehow manages to slip in the one nugget of wisdom rolling around inside his mostly empty cranium.
Another example is the fact that money is made off of portraying men and boys as inferior. I was just reading a Wall Street Journal article about a company making a mint off of shirts that read “Boys are stupid!” or “Boys are smelly!” Now I am not of the ilk that believes that people can’t say this if they want to. While it’s a terrible message that Christians should never accept, America does allow for this kind of speech. The only problem is that we men and boys are not allowed to speak the same way about women (or any other group.) And while we shouldn’t want to speak that same way, the double-standard sends the wrong message to young men on more than one level.
Comment by
DLE — 4/23/2005 @ 12:56 am
Another Look at the Church’s Missing Men
Swap Blog goes into further detail on the maner in which men are treated in both our culture and our churches. Plenty of good insights on the guilt trip leveid against men today.
Trackback by Cerulean Sanctum — 4/23/2005 @ 1:02 am
You are dead on track Cerulean. Everybody Love’s Raymond because they have too, because Raymond is stupid, and they have to help him out or he will injury himself. His wife helps him through this and that and then his over protective mother that is still in a position of influence jumps in to help out too. Raymond has two mothers basiclly. The idea of a man leaving his family and cleaving to his wife ane being a leader is completely foregign.
That mind set of men needing help with everything or they will fail destroy’s a man’s ego. That carries into him not wanting to work, why do it if he works he does not make enough, is not a good provider, etc, so he should just be lazy and live like he is told he does anyway. He suppose to be lazy, stupid and dependent so why not be. Then when he does say - “Hey I do not want to be treated like this” he is told that he is stupid for thinking that way, or chauvanistic.
The church needs to be place where a man, or a woman, or a child, says - “Here I am treated different!” “Here I am respected!” “Here I am valued!” Christ valued everyone and we are called to be his hands and feet and value them all too. Sadly at the average church we care more for a homeless man then a man that attends our church once a month, because the homeless man is sympathetic while the occassial attendee is just a backsliden.
Great comments and thanks for the mention on your site.
Frank
Comment by
Frank — 4/23/2005 @ 7:32 am
Good post.
It bothers me (not in a stand up and scream sort of way, more in contemplative way)Mother’s Day services are almost invariably sentimental while Father’s Day services frequently lay the whip on men as to how they fail their children.
Not only can this approach be discouraging to men, it can fail women by treating them sentimentally rather than as real people who also struggle and fail and need genuine, love, fellowship, encouragement and correction as they struggle to press onward into the high call of Jesus Christ.
Just my two bits.
Comment by
Teem — 4/23/2005 @ 3:46 pm
Thanks for adding to the discussion, Frank. I’ll be posting excerpts from your post later today. Peace.
Comment by
Milton Stanley — 4/23/2005 @ 3:53 pm
Great article.
Men do get beat up at church and are told constantly that they must be ‘internet pornographers’, ‘deadbeat dads’, and ‘calloused’ while Women get the Christian version of a ‘Jenny Jones Makeover’.
You are 100 percent right when you stated
#####
The average man is suppose to work, provide, endure, love, support and then remain silent as society tells him he is not good at any of the above without the help of others, or that he is selfish if he ever speaks up for himself.
The core of the problem that churches are reaping is the result of how society in general view men. Church has become just one more place that men are told they are failures, and they get that enough in the world. In general, men do not provide enough, they do not support enough, they do not love enough, they are never satisfied, they are boy’s with larger wallet, etc. A man comes into church hurting and he leaves with even more of his shrinking ego bruised and battered. It is not that the church is meaningly kicking him, but the sheer message of the gospel – sinner saved by grace – reinforces a man’s failures.
#####
In fact, if he mentions that he wants something or if he goes out and buys something without the wife knowing, he is deemed as selfish and not thinking of others and depriving his children even though if the wife does this, it is the acceptable norm.
It’s like there is a root issue of everybody being mad at Adam for eating the fruit and getting kicked out of paradise and all these problems are due to Adam and since Adam was male, Christian men must pay for causing all of this and their punishment, be like woman.
We told Christian men that to be a real man in Christ, one must become feminized
What did we get when many of them did this? Castrated Christians who look, sound, and appear effeminate and are stereotyped as Ned Flanders on The Simpsons
Comment by
Totem to Temple — 4/24/2005 @ 11:47 am
Great points Totem. I agree entirely. My wife says she does not control me with the pocket book, but she does. I have to ask permission to spend money, and ask to do what I want. If I wanted a mother I would I never moved out. She just does not get it. Maybe if I leave her she will understand, but honestly I never will because she would hound me even more if I did. She says she wants to let me be the spiritual leader, but when I try to lead she just tells me how bad I am at it and then cries because I am telling her how to be, act, etc. It is a no win, so I will probably just give up. My friends say they are surprised I put up with her, but I love her so I do.
Comment by
Hank — 4/25/2005 @ 8:35 am
CHURCH DECAY - Church is for sissies!
Men who come in humility, to worship Him, and offer themselves as a “whole living sacrifice” discover the power and presence of God in a way that transcends anything this world has to offer a man.
Trackback by The SHEEP'S CRIB - Issues — 4/25/2005 @ 2:01 pm
[...] There’s an interesting conversation going on about why men are missing from church. I’ve picked up the thread from 3 sites: Cerulean Sanctum, Transforming Sermons, and Swap Blog. (Here, here, here, and here.) [...]
Pingback by Counseling Notes » Blog Archive » Men Missing from Church — 10/3/2005 @ 11:49 pm
[...] Bowden offers some real world suggestions in ways to minister to men. He looks at a debate that was going on at the time, including linking to three sites (including this one – our post here) that were discussing men and the church at the time. After discussing and analysising those posts, Bowden begins to share his views. He brings some great advice, as well a great personal story about how a church “reached men” but had the wrong motives in doing it. Good stuff, good advice, and well worth a re-read. Full Post Here [...]
Pingback by Swap Blog » Men and the church — 10/4/2005 @ 2:58 pm