Living Will Rewrite
This arrived via email - not sure where it orginated, but it is funny and a good read. It is a living will re-written -
- If I wind up severely brain damaged you will perform all the tests. You will not rely on the word of some clown who’s too lazy or stupid to do a proper examination, you will do an MRI and a PET. Poking me with car keys does not constitute a proper test to determine my mental acuity. A slap to the forehead is not a valid measure of my pain threshold. Forty-five minutes is not enough time to make a diagnosis that will get me killed. Do it right, with a real doctor who has no connection to the Hemlock Society. I hate those creeps.
You will engage me in conversation. You will stimulate what remains of my mind. I will be taken outside for daily walks, given dogs and cats to pet (as well as I am able), and otherwise involved in the world. You will not keep me locked up away from the world, the better to expedite deterioration and death.
I will have rehabilitation. If there is even the slightest chance I can improve you will encourage that improvement.
Anyone who has no knowledge of my case who claims that I am in a persistent vegetative state shall be taken to court for defamation. The money gained from such suits will go to my support. The same applies to those who do examine me, and then lie about my condition. Especially if they have ever had any connection to the Hemlock Society, or Planned Parenthood, or the NEA (either NEA–I’m not choosy). If it turns out they have had such associations, then sue those groups too. They have lots of money that would be better used making me well.
If I need a feeding tube any attempt to remove said feeding tube shall be considered attempted homicide and prosecuted accordingly. In addition, if said action was ordered by a court of law the judge presiding is to be charged on civil rights grounds and prosecuted to the full extent of the law.
Any pundit of any stripe who states that I would not want to be in such a state is to be stripped naked, his skin rubbed raw with scrubbing pads, salt placed on the wounds, and then tossed into a vat of carrion beetles. After being given drugs that heighten sensation. This action will be taped and distributed on the internet.
If provided with a guardian and said guardian petitions to have me killed, that guardian is to be charged with attempted murder and prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. See above paragraph for hints of my other wishes involving said guardian.
I’ll die when I die. You will not rush matters. You will leave well enough alone. Death happens soon enough for us all, don’t be so damn eager to hurry it up.
I completely agree with the overall gist, keep me alive and functioning as long as there is hope and as long as you can. Anyone or anything that says I do not want to live another hour is a lie. I want to live as long as I can. Death will come quick enough. Heaven awaits me I am sure, but I have stuff to do while I am here so let me live as long as I can where I can get it all done.
